I have a Facebook account which I don’t really visit, and a page for my blog on which posts are automatically shared.
I’ve had several Twitter accounts, two of which are still actives but currently on hold – except for the blog articles automatically posted on one of them.
I have an Instagram account, also on hold.

I have spent countless hours on them, and always ended up in the same state: overwhelmed. I also get a bit depressed and anxious – but that might be part of being overwhelmed?

I love how I can learn about so many things, connect with people, and even make friends.
But then it gets too much, I spend my time jumping from one post to the next, one topic to another, keeping my brain busy and noisy.

I keep loneliness at bay yet end up feeling even lonelier than ever because I see people communicate with each other and I can’t seem to manage to do it. I’m just as autistic and struggling online as I am offline – especially when there is so much noise and distraction.

I feel like I don’t know enough, read enough people from diverse walks of life, don’t learn enough ; like I am not trying hard enough to be a good person, a good feminist, a good activist, a good ally.

I drown in the amount of posts shown and shared, and the amount I seek out.

My brain has gotten used to jumping constantly from short text to short text so I struggle to focus on longer reads, books but even articles.
Before my break from Instagram I struggled to read long-ish posts, but it’s also due to my eyesight and the format.

I still think in tweets, after almost 2 years off Twitter, but then realise it makes for a blog article – which I never write.

Sometimes I read articles that I’d love to share and comment on Twitter, or think of ideas or jokes that I want to post, and then wonder why.
Why do I want to go back to a place in which I drowned?
Why do I want people to see me?
Do I need their validation?

I tried to talk about autism and mental health, but there are people doing it much better than I did.
I have nothing to say in that format that’s needed.

I love writing, and trying to find the best – clearer – way to express my ideas. I need time and space to develop my thoughts.
That doesn’t really work on social networks, where we need to grab people’s attention and deliver our message as condensed as possible instantaneously.

I miss some friendships, but I didn’t know how to nurture them even when I was on there.
I miss feeling like what I say brings something to someone – understanding, the feeling they are not alone, food for thought, entertainment – but is it worth the negative aspects of being on social networks?

I know that if I want more readers on my blog I need to promote it, and I have a feeling we all read blogs less and less (that’s my case anyway), but I am not ready to come back on Twitter and Instagram just yet.
I don’t feel strong enough to be able to just post and go, or read a few posts and no more. I know I will slip again into that habit of jumping on and on, and I know it’s not good for me and my mental health.

So for now I stay away, and I will try to post here more often instead.
I don’t get to exchange ideas with people and learn from them, but I get the opportunity to play with words and ideas.
And for now, that’s as much as I can do.